The Harassment Handbook by Bollywood
For all you lonely single men out there, have we got the solution for you! Get your thumbs off Tinder, and put down your phone. Let us teach you how to woo the women of your dreams, in these simple and easy steps learnt from our very own Bollywood!
1. The first meeting is very important. You must make an impression on her. Whether it's good or bad, is of no consequence.
As long as you make an impression, the above can change to:
2. Try and cause as much suffering to her as possible. She will never forget you.
3. Once you two are a little familiar with each other, sing her a song. Make sure you let her know that you understand that even though she's saying no, in her heart she truly means yes.
4. Follow her around. Some may call it stalking, but you need to let her know just how much you like her. She will eventually realise she likes you too.
5. If she's still saying no, show her that you will resort to blackmail and try to kill yourself if she doesn't reciprocate. She needs to know that you will do anything for love.
6. Be prepared. Sparks will fly. And you will need to ask her to be quiet.
Actually, why would you use your mouth to talk? You can just use it to forcibly kiss her. Who cares about consent, anyway?
7. Because when you do kiss her, especially when she doesn't want you to, she will want to one up you, and kiss you harder.
8. Keep in mind, you need to discipline her if she ever gets ideas above her station. Equal rights? No way!
9. Don't be afraid to help her out of her shell if she's feeling coy.
10. Remember, communication is the key to a healthy relationship. So be sure to demand exactly what you want.
11. And if nothing else works, just beat her up a little and carry her off. Because women dig that shit.
In closing, we would like to say,